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While doing a vasectomy


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While doing a vasectomy

While doing a vasectomy, the doctor slipped and cut off one of the man’s balls. To avoid a huge malpractice suit, he decides to replace the missing ball with an ONION.

Several weeks later, the patient returned for a checkup.

“How’s your physical relation with wife?” the doctor asked.

“Pretty good,” the man said, to the doctor’s relief.
But then he added, “I’ve had some strange side effects.”

“What’s that?” the doctor asked anxiously.

“Well, every time I piss, my eyes water.
When my wife gives me a blo * w job, she gets heartburn.
And every time I pass a hamburger stand, I get a hard-on!”

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A guy out on the golf course

A guy out on the golf course takes a high speed ball right in the crotch. Writhing in agony, he falls to the ground, when he finally gets himself to the doctor.

He says, “How bad is it doc? I’m going on my honeymoon next week and my fiance is still a virgin in every way.”

The doctor said , “I’ll have to put your pe *nis in a splint to let it heal and keep it straight. It should be okay next week.”

So he took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little 4-sided bandage, and wired it all together; an impressive work of art.

The guy mentions none of this to his girl, marries, and on his honeymoon night in the motel room, she rips open her blouse to reveal a gorgeous set of brea @sts. This was the first time he saw them.

She says, “You are my FIRST, no one has ever touched these brea @sts.”

He whips down his pants and says…
” Look at this, it’s still in the CRATE!”

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Hunter creeps through the forest

A hunter creeps through the forest. He eventually spots a black bear in a clearing. Carefully he takes aim and shoots the bear. He is congratulating himself when he feels a tap on his shoulder.

Turning around, he sees a massive brown bear behind him. “That was a terrible thing you did,” says the brown bear, “and now you must pay the price. I will either rip you apart or rape you in the butt. Your choice.” The hunter thinks for a moment, then drops his pants and bends over.

An hour later, the hunter staggers from the forest and limps to the hospital. The next day he hobbles home, thinking only of revenge on the bear. Soon he is back in the forest, stalking the bear. He eventually sees it by a river, and quickly he shoots it dead.

“Yes!” yells the hunter as he feels the thrill of revenge. But then, without warning, he feels a tap on his shoulder. Turning around slowly, he sees a gargantuan grizzly bear behind him.

“You have done a terrible thing,” intones the bear in a deep voice, “now you have a choice: either I maul you to death, or I rape you in the butt.” Shuddering, the hunter drops his pants and bends over.

Three hours later, the hunter crawls from the forest. He is released from the hospital after a week of anal surgeries to fix his colon. He thought of nothing but revenge on the grizzly bear during the ordeal. Now, he is back in the woods, looking for the grizzly.

He spots it catching salmon, and shoots it down from the forest. “Haha!” yells the hunter, jumping up and down. But then he feels a tap on his shoulder.

Quickly the hunter spins around, unable to believe what is happening. “No!” he screams in disbelief, for there is a gigantic polar bear right behind him. “Hey buddy,” says the polar bear, “I’m starting to think you don’t come here for the hunting.”

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Coming in and out of a coma

A woman’s husband had been coming in and out of a coma for many months, yet she stayed by his bedside every single day. When he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.

As she sat by him, he said, “You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times.

When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there.

When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you gave me support.

When my health started failing, you were still by my side… You know what?”

“What dear?” She asked gently.

“I think you bring me bad luck.”

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Transfer the pain of the child birth

A Russian scientists discovered a way to transfer some of the pain of the child birth from the mother to the father. They find a couple and volunteer them for the experiment. As the woman is a about to go into labor(in Russia man were not allowed to be in the hospital where women gave birth) the scientists call the guy.

“Comrade, are you ready?”

“Whatever, comrade … click(hangs up)”

Puzzled scientists turn the machine to 10% call the guy again.

“Comrade, how are you feeling?”

“Fine, comrade … click”

Even more puzzled crank it to 50%, the women looks much better. Call the guy.

“Comrade, how are you feeling now?”

“(Annoyed) Fine, stop calling me every 5 minutes … click”

Finally, giving up the scientist crank it all the way up and call the guy.

“Comrade, tell us the truth how are you doing?”

“Shitty comrade, I am trying to watch a soccer game, my team is losing, you ass holes keep calling me every 5 minutes and my damn neighbor is screaming as if he is giving birth.”

posted in 100 Top Funny Jokes, Couple Jokes | 0 Comments

The bride lay in bed on the first night

The bride lay in bed on the first night of their honeymoon while her husband stood at the bedroom window, gazing at the stars.

“Come to bed, darling,” she whispered after some time had passed.

“Not likely,” replied the blonde groom, “my mother told me that this would be the best night of my life and
I’m not going to miss a minute of it.”

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