Comedy Funny Jokes

The man at the bar


Latest Funny Bar Jokes

Hilarious and Funny Bar jokes

The man at the bar

The man at the bar, deep in private thoughts of his own, turned to a woman just passing and said, “Pardon me miss, do you happen to have the time?”

In a strident voice, she responded, “How dare you make such a proposition to me!”

The man snapped to attention in surprise and was uncomfortably aware that every pair of eyes in the place

had turned to his direction. He mumbled, “I just asked for the time, miss.”

In an even louder voice, the woman shrieked, “I WILL CALL THE POLICE IF YOU SAY ANOTHER WORD!”

Grabbing his drink and embarrassed very nearly to death, the man hastened to the far end of the room and

huddled at a table, holding his breath and wondering how soon he could sneak out the door.

Not more than half a minute later, the woman joined him. In a quiet voice, she said, “I’m terribly sorry to

have embarrassed you, but I am a psychologist and I am studying the reaction of human beings to shocking statements.”

The man stared at her for five seconds, then he leaned back and bellowed,


posted in Bar Jokes, Embarrassing Stories |

How many bars

A man comes to the front door of a bar. He is drunk, and staggers up to the bar, seats himself on a stool and asks the bartender for a drink. The bartender politely informs the man that it appears that he has already had plenty to drink, he could not be served additional liquor at this bar, and could a cab be called for him?

The drunk is briefly surprised, then softly scoffs, grumbles, climbs down off the bar stool and staggers out the front door. A few minutes later, the same drunk stumbles in the SIDE door of the bar. He wobbles up to the bar and hollers for a drink. The bartender comes over and, still politely – but more firmly, refuses service to the man due to his inebriation, and again offers to call a cab. The drunk looks at the bartender for a moment angrily, curses, and shows himself out the side door, all the while grumbling and shaking his head.

A few minutes later, the same drunk bursts in through the BACK door of the bar. He plops himself up on a bar stool, gathers his wits and belligerently orders a drink. The bartender comes over and emphatically reminds the man that he is clearly drunk, will be served no drinks, and either a cab or the police will be called immediately.

The surprised drunk looks at the bartender, and in hopeless anguish, cries “OH MAAAN! How many bars do you work at?”

posted in 100 Top Funny Jokes, Bar Jokes |

Drunk & his wife

A drunk in a bar barfs all over his shirt. “Damn,” he says. “I puked on my shirt again. If the wife finds out, she’s gonna kill me.”

“Not to worry,” says the bartender as he sticks a $20 bill in the drunk’s pocket. “Just tell her someone puked on you and gave you some cash to cover the cleaning bill.”

So the drunk goes home and tells his wife about the guy who puked on him. She reaches into his pocket and finds two twenties. “Why are there two twenties?” she asks.

The drunk replies, “Ummm, yeah… he crapped in my pants, too.”

posted in Bar Jokes |


Best toast

A good Irishman, Peter Desouza, met regularly with his toastmasters club. One evening they were hitting the Guinness Stout and decided to have a contest regarding who could make the best toast.

Peter Desouza hoisted his beer and said, “Here’s to spending the rest of me life between the legs of me wife!” That won him the top prize for the best toast of the night. He went home and told his wife, Mary, “I won the prize for the best toast of the night.”

She said, “Aye, what was your toast?”

Peter said, “Here’s to spending the rest of me life sitting in church beside me wife.”

“Oh, that is very nice indeed, Peter!” Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of Peter’s toasting buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, “Peter won the prize the other night with a toast about you, Mary.”

She said, “Aye, and I was a bit surprised meself! You know, he’s only been there twice! Once he fell asleep and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come!”

posted in Adult Jokes, Bar Jokes, Humor Jokes, Husband Wife Jokes, Irish Jokes |

Control over wives

Three friends are down the bar. Martin and Richard are arguing about the amount of control they have over their wives, while the third drunk, Bill, says nothing.

After a while, Martin turns to Bill and says, “Well, what about you? What sort of control have you got?”

“I’ll tell you,” Bill replies. “Just the other night my wife came crawling to me on her hands and knees.”

The other two were absolutely amazed. “What happened then?”, Joe asked.

“She said, ‘Get out from under the bed and fight like a man!!!”.

posted in Bar Jokes, Humor Jokes, Husband Wife Jokes |

Typical Texas baby

A Texan buys a round of drinks for the entire bar, announcing that his wife has just produced “a typical Texas” baby boy weighing 25 pounds. Congratulations showered him from all around, along with many exclamations of “Wow!”

Two weeks later, the Texan returns to the bar. The bartender says, “Say, you’re the father of the typical Texas baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth. How much does he weigh now?”

The proud father answers, “17 pounds.”

The bartender, puzzled and concerned, asks, “Why? What happened? He already weighed 25 pounds at birth.”

The Texas father takes a slow swig from his longneck beer, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender and proudly says, “Had him circumcised.”

posted in 100 Top Funny Jokes, Bar Jokes, Father Son Jokes, Puns Jokes |