Comedy Funny Jokes

The bride lay in bed on the first night


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Latest Funny Marriage Jokes


The bride lay in bed on the first night

The bride lay in bed on the first night of their honeymoon while her husband stood at the bedroom window, gazing at the stars.

“Come to bed, darling,” she whispered after some time had passed.

“Not likely,” replied the blonde groom, “my mother told me that this would be the best night of my life and
I’m not going to miss a minute of it.”

posted in 100 Top Funny Jokes, Husband Wife Jokes, Marriage Jokes |

A kid’s view on marriage

What Exactly Is Marriage?
“Marriage is when you get to keep your girl and don’t have to give her back to her parents” -Eric, six years old

“When somebody’s been dating for a while, the boy might propose to the girl. He says to her, ‘I’ll take you for a whole life, or at least until we have kids and get divorced, but you got to do one particular thing for me.’ Then she says yes, but she’s wondering what the thing is and whether it’s naughty or not. She can’t wait to find out.” -Anita, nine years old

How Does a Person Decide Whom to marry?
“You flip a nickel, and heads means you stay with him and tails means you try the next one.” -Kelly, nine years old

“My mother says to look for a man who is kind….That’s what I’ll do….I’ll find somebody who’s kinda tall and handsome.” -Carolyn, eight years old

Concerning the Proper Age to Get Married
“Once I’m done with kindergarten, I’m going to find me a wife” -Bert, five years old

How Did Your Mom and Dad Meet?
“They were at a dance party at a friend’s house. Then they went for a drive, but their car broke down…It was a good thing, because it gave them a chance to find out about their values.” -Lottie, nine years old

“My father was doing some strange chores for my mother. They won’t tell me what kind.” -Jeremy, eight years old

What Do Most People Do on a Date?
“On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.” -Martin, ten years old

“Many daters just eat pork chops and french fries and talk about love.” -Craig, nine years old

When Is It Okay to Kiss Someone?
“You should never kiss a girl unless you have enough bucks to buy her a ring and her own VCR, ’cause she’ll want to have videos of the wedding.” -Allan, ten years old

“Never kiss in front of other people. It’s a big embarrassing thing if anybody sees you….If nobody sees you, I might be willing to try it with a handsome boy, but just for a few hours.” -Kally, nine years old

The Great Debate: Is It Better to Be Single or Married?
“You should ask the people who read Cosmopolitan” -Kirsten, ten years old

“It’s better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need somebody to clean up after them” -Anita, nine years old

“It gives me a headache to think about that stuff. I’m just a kid. I don’t need that kind of trouble.” -Will, seven years old

posted in Kids Jokes, Marriage Jokes |

One liner on marriage

One liner on marriage :-
You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.
–Henny Youngman

The best way to get most husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they’re too old to do it.
–Ann Bancroft

Any husband who says, “My wife and I are completely equal partners,” is talking about either a law firm or a hand of bridge.
–Bill Cosby

Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards
–Benjamin Franklin

My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.
–Henny Youngman

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
–Rodney Dangerfield

A good wife always forgives her husband when she’s wrong.
–Milton Berle

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
–George Burns

What’s the difference between a boyfriend and a husband? About 30 pounds. –Cindy Garner

When women are depressed, they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country. It’s a whole different way of thinking. –Elaine Boosler

I bought my wife a new car. She called and said,”There was water in the carburetor.” I said, “Where’s the car?” She said, “In the lake.”
–Henny Youngman

My mother buried three husbands, and two of them were just napping.
–Rita Rudner

The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret. –Henny Youngman

People are always asking couples whose marriages have endured at least a quarter of a century for their secret for success. Actually, it is no secret at all. I am a forgiving woman. Long ago, I forgave my husband for not being Paul Newman. –Erma Bombeck

posted in Marriage Jokes, One Liners Jokes |


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Half Sister

One morning Rick burst into the living room and said, “Dad!, Mom! I have some good news for you! I am getting married to the most beautiful girl in town. She lives a block away and her name is Suzzane.

After dinner, dad took him aside, “Son, I have to talk with you. Look at your mother, Rick. She and I have been married 30 years. She’s a wonderful wife and mother, but, she has never offered much excitement in the bedroom, so I used to fool around with other women. Suzzane is actually your half sister, and I’m afraid you can’t marry her.”

Rick was brokenhearted. After eight months he started dating girls again. A year later he came home and very proudly announced, “Mary said yes! We’re getting married in May!”

Again his father insisted on another private conversation and broke the sad news. “Mary is your half sister too, Rick. I’m awfully sorry about this.” Rick was shattered! He finally shared the news with his mother that his father had shared. “Dad has done so much harm. I guess I’m never going to get married,” he complained. “Every time I fall in love, Dad tells me the girl is my half sister.”

“He He He,” his mother chuckled, shaking her head, “don’t pay any attention to what he says. He’s not your real father.”

posted in Funny Jokes, Marriage Jokes, Naughty Jokes |

Marriage sayings

Love is one long sweet dream, and marriage is the alarm clock.

There was a man who said, “I never knew what happiness was until I got married…and then it was too late!”

They say when a man holds a woman’s hand before marriage, it is love; after marriage, it is self-defense.

When a newly married man looks happy, we know why. But when a ten-year married man looks happy, we wonder why.

There was this lover who said that he would go through hell for her. They got married, and now he is going through hell.

A Code of Honor: Never approach a friend’s girlfriend or wife with mischief as your goal. There are just too many women in the world to justify that sort of dishonorable behavior. Unless she’s really attractive. — Bruce Friedman

A gentleman is one who never swears at his wife while ladies are present.

A coward is a hero with a wife, kids, and a mortgage. — Marvin Kitman

A husband is living proof that a wife can take a joke.

A husband is what’s left of the lover after the nerve has been extracted. -Marriage quotes – Marriage is like a mousetrap. Those on the outside are trying to get in. Those on the inside are trying to get out.

Marriage is low down, but you spend the rest of your life paying for it.

Marriage is the process of finding out what kind of man your wife would have preferred.

Marriage is the sole cause of divorce.

Marriage means commitment. Of course, so does insanity.

Marriage still confers one very special privilege – only a married person can get divorced.

Marriage: A ceremony in which rings are put on the finger of the lady and around the hands and feet of the man.

Marriage: the only sport in which the trapped animal has to buy the license.

Marriages are made in heaven and consummated on Earth.

posted in Husband Wife Jokes, Marriage Jokes |

God, I miss him

Two newlyweds go on their honeymoon. As they start getting hot and heavy, the woman says, “Please be careful with me—I’m a virgin.”

The puzzled man replies, “But you’ve been married three times before.” “I know,” she says. “But my first husband was a psychiatrist and all he wanted to do was talk about it. My second husband was a gynecologist and he just wanted to look at it. And my third husband was a stamp collector and all he wanted to do was… God, I miss him.”

posted in Adult Jokes, Marriage Jokes, Wedding Jokes |


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